My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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