All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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