Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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