remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
