Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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