Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize