i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
