God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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