I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
last night I used snow as a chaser
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
