Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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