I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize