You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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