having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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