How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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