The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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