Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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