If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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