i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
