Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
