I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
wow bdsm is so cute
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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