I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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