...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
