I feel like abortions should bother me more
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
