I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
