Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
