why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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