dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
