He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
