I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
