If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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