I'm so fucking centered right now
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
someone owes me an orgasm
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize