giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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