dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
