oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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