Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
