and you said cock pushups were impossible
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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