I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
