you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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