nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
