Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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