I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
