Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Randomize
