mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
