whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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