Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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