Moan for me like Helen Keller
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
