i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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