I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've blown a few things in my day
There was a lot of him and a little penis
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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