if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
