I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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