this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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