I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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