My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
