I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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