he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
be right there i have to get my cape
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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